Men Jokes


Question and Answer

What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?
Government Bonds mature.
Why are men like toilets?
They're either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.
Why do men have penises?
They certainly can't be admired for their brains.
Why is it better for a woman to have bigger breasts than brains?
Because men see better than they think.
What do you call the useless bit of skin attached to a penis?
A man.
Why is a cucumber a better date than a man?
The cucumber doesn't make you sleep on the wet spot.
What do men and kitchen flooring have in common?
You lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for years.
Why don't men blink during foreplay?
There isn't enough time.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
One, but you may have to slice him quite thin.
Why are men like parking spaces?
The good ones are taken, and the ones left are all handicapped.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions for them.
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles!
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why are men like paper cups?
They're disposable
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
ET phoned home.
Why do men have a little hole in the end of their penises?
To let some air into their brains
What's the only exercise men get?
Sucking in their stomachs when a bikini walks by.
How do you force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the TV remote controls between his toes.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to regress to his childhood you don't have as far to go.
What did God say after he created man?
"I can do better than this" and he made woman.
Why are men like spray paint?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company
Why do most women spend more time on their appearance than on improving their minds?
Because there are more stupid men than there are blind ones.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A man will actually search for a golf ball.
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Divorced
What do you call a woman without an asshole ?
Divorced.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because only one in 100 million have the sense to stop and ask for directions.
Why are men are like horoscopes?
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Why are men are like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A smarter man to show him how to work it.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why is it hard to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 45 minutes
Why is needing a man is like needing a parachute?
If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
How are men like side-walks?
You can walk all over them and pick money off them.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this...
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.........is 12 inches.
 

Slightly BIGGER men jokes

God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that He (God) had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.
How many legs does a chicken have?
Two.
Right.
And how many wings does a chicken have?
Two.
Right again.
Well how many beaks does a chicken have?
One.
You got it.
How many bones does a cat have?
. .eeeerrr . . !
Typical man. Knows everything about cock and nothing about pussy.
What is the difference between
  • a toilet
  • the 'g' spot
  • wedding anniversaries
Nothing really -- men seem to miss them all
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
How much Is that Barbie in the window? he asks the shop assistant.
Which Barbie?..
We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for £265.00.

Ermmm The guy asks,
why is Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?
Duuurrrrh, the assistant states, pulling a strange face
Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...
A professor of mathematics sent an e-mail to his wife. It read:

Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

Your Husband


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Don't wait up.

 

SEMINARS FOR MEN

  1. Combating Stupidity
  2. You Can Do Housework Too
  3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
  4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
  5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
  6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am
  7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")
  8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
  9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
  10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
  11. Spelling - Even you can get it right
  12. You - The Weaker Sex
  13. Reasons to give Flowers
  14. How to stay awake after sex
  15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom
  16. Rubbish - Getting it out of the house.
  17. You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
  18. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
  19. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
  20. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
  21. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
  22. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
  23. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
  24. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
  25. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
  26. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
  27. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
  28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
  29. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
  30. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
  31. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
  32. The Attainable Goal - Omitting *@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
  33. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
 

Quotes

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands
Jayne Mansfield
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you
Mae West
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Linda Furney
All human beings connect sex and love - except for men
Roseanne
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition
It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone
Marilyn Monroe
The difference between a man and a battery is that a battery has a positive side
Jo Brand
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard
Dorothy Parker
Don't be humble - you're not that great.
Golda Meir
I didn't realize until quite late in life that women were supposed to be the inferior sex.
Katharine Hepburn
I married beneath myself. All women do.
Nancy Astor
I think therefore I'm single.
Lisa Winstead
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night
Marie Corelli
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood.
Carolyn Green