Question and Answer
- What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?
- Government Bonds mature.
- Why are men like toilets?
- They're either: Vacant, Engaged or full of crap.
- Why do men have penises?
- They certainly can't be admired for their brains.
- Why is it better for a woman to have bigger breasts than brains?
- Because men see better than they think.
- What do you call the useless bit of skin attached to a penis?
- A man.
- Why is a cucumber a better date than a man?
- The cucumber doesn't make you sleep on the wet spot.
- What do men and kitchen flooring have in common?
- You lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for years.
- Why don't men blink during foreplay?
- There isn't enough time.
- How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
- One, but you may have to slice him quite thin.
- Why are men like parking spaces?
- The good ones are taken, and the ones left are all handicapped.
- What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
- Why do men name their penises?
- Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions for them.
- What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
- A hot dog and a six pack.
- What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
- The wrinkles!
- Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
- Because if they all went, it would be hell.
- Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
- So men can understand them.
- Why are men like paper cups?
- They're disposable
- What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- ET phoned home.
- Why do men have a little hole in the end of their penises?
- To let some air into their brains
- What's the only exercise men get?
- Sucking in their stomachs when a bikini walks by.
- How do you force a man to do sit-ups?
- Put the TV remote controls between his toes.
- How can you tell when a man is well hung?
- When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
- Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
- When it's time to regress to his childhood you don't have as far to go.
- What did God say after he created man?
- "I can do better than this" and he made woman.
- Why are men like spray paint?
- One squeeze and they're all over you.
- Why are men like blenders?
- You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
- Why is food better than men?
- Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
- Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
- To stop the snoring before it starts.
- Why do women fake orgasm?
- Because men fake foreplay.
- Why do men prefer blondes?
- Men always like intellectual company
- Why do most women spend more time on their appearance than on improving their minds?
- Because there are more stupid men than there are blind ones.
- What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
- Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
- What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
- A man will actually search for a golf ball.
- What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
- What do you call a woman without an asshole ?
- Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
- Because only one in 100 million have the sense to stop and ask for directions.
- Why are men are like horoscopes?
- They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
- Why are men are like laxatives?
- They irritate the shit out of you.
- What should you give a man who has everything?
- A smarter man to show him how to work it.
- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
- Breasts don't have eyes.
- Why is it hard to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
- Because they already have boyfriends.
- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
- About 45 minutes
- Why is needing a man is like needing a parachute?
- If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
- How are men like side-walks?
- You can walk all over them and pick money off them.
- Why are women so bad at mathematics?
- Because men keep telling them that this...
.........is 12 inches.
Slightly BIGGER men jokes
- How many legs does a chicken have?
- And how many wings does a chicken have?
- Right again.
- Well how many beaks does a chicken have?
- You got it.
- How many bones does a cat have?
- . .eeeerrr . . !
- a toilet
- the 'g' spot
- wedding anniversaries
How much Is that Barbie in the window?he asks the shop assistant.
We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for £265.00.
ErmmmThe guy asks,
why is Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?
Duuurrrrh,the assistant states, pulling a strange face
Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up.
SEMINARS FOR MEN
- Combating Stupidity
- You Can Do Housework Too
- PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
- How to Fill an Ice Tray
- We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY.
- Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am
- Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks")
- Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception.
- How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong
- Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
- Spelling - Even you can get it right
- You - The Weaker Sex
- Reasons to give Flowers
- How to stay awake after sex
- Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom
- Rubbish - Getting it out of the house.
- You Can Fall Asleep With Out It - If You Really Try
- The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower
- I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
- How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
- Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S.
- The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous
- How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost
- The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency
- Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
- Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
- Changing your Underwear - It Really Works
- How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
- You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
- Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home
- Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary
- The Attainable Goal - Omitting *@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary
- Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands
- Jayne Mansfield
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you
- Mae West
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Linda Furney
All human beings connect sex and love - except for men
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition
It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone
- Marilyn Monroe
The difference between a man and a battery is that a battery has a positive side
- Jo Brand
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard
- Dorothy Parker
Don't be humble - you're not that great.
- Golda Meir
I didn't realize until quite late in life that women were supposed to be the inferior sex.
- Katharine Hepburn
I married beneath myself. All women do.
- Nancy Astor
I think therefore I'm single.
- Lisa Winstead
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night
- Marie Corelli
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood.
- Carolyn Green